Our daughter-in-law, B, is a friend's daughter. Their family is a new immigrant. B is outgoing and has never been to work for one day after graduating from college. She and her son A were just a little close to college. They heard that her son’s work environment was close to the famous city of C. As soon as she graduated from college, she flew to City C by herself, and then lived in A’s apartment. After six months, the two of them lived together.
B is actually A's only girlfriend, because we two have some understanding, it is difficult to express our objection. They have been married for seven years. During this period, their daughter-in-law, B, has never had a job and goes to find friends every day because she is born with friends of all kinds and is very good.
Seeing that both of them were in their 30s, once my son was on a business trip and went home alone. I asked him if he had a fertility plan? The son said that his wife spent money and had a lot of money, and the two of them had no savings, so they actually had no money to grow up. It's hard for me to hear it and it's hard to criticize it. Since last year, our couple have been in the United States in spring and summer and returned to Taiwan in autumn and winter. In the first year, I was clamoring to go back to Taiwan with us for the New Year. The couple went on a trip to the island, which knocked us a lot.
• The daughter-in-law never calls to askUnless there is a request, B will never call to ask. Although we call us every birthday or New Year holiday, we have recently changed to a busier job and the phone is also in a hurry. We live in the United States and Taiwan and meet friends, relatives and classmates from both sides. Especially in the Internet era, LINE, FB, and WeChat can be connected at any time. However, A and B often get together with us at home, but it seems like we have forgotten us. We don’t even have to ask about the cold and warmth on weekdays.
In the past two years, our relatives and friends have become grandparents. Every time they meet, they happily take photos of Xiuxiu Sunwa or bring their daughters to the party. The children are cute, which makes us envious. We wanted to have the desire to have the son, which became disappointed, especially when we returned to the United States, and we lived close to our son and daughter-in-law. They rarely took the initiative to ask for peace and did not often visit each other. My son is very busy with work and it is not convenient to see him. It seems like we have never given birth to this son.
Originally, our husband and wife were still stable, but recently they were in a bad mood due to their son and daughter-in-law. The teacher often mentioned why I had artificial abortion and took off a child after giving birth? What a pity! Otherwise, if you have one or two more children, you won’t be so lonely. That was all the old things that happened to Chen Nian two or thirty years ago.
I am not difficult. In the past, when I met good friends, everyone was not afraid of anything and could talk about anything. Now when others talk about marriage, talking about someone's child getting pregnant, etc., it will make me feel unhappy and self-depressed. What's wrong with me? I asked myself that I am a warm person, with many friends, including my daughter, son and nephew. I can’t communicate with my son alone. When he was alone in the past, he would say that he wanted to talk to me alone. Why is he so indifferent now? Why did this make me feel disappointed?
{twenty one} {twenty two}
Answer: I can feel the loneliness mentioned in your letter, which is also the empty nest (who grew up and left home) of our parents of this generation. We grew up under the ethical education of "filial piety first for all virtues"; but now the countries we live in emphasize the need to cultivate independence for children. When the girl grows up, if she lives and works in another state, she will be busy on weekdays and will only gather during the year. The daughter has her own family, and the two elders enter the world of two people that support each other, and sometimes they feel empty and unable to escape.
Some families who have children will separate from their children because they find their biological parents, which makes them confused and confused. However, many children who have grown up have estranged from their parents due to certain factors or unknown reasons, and it is difficult for the family to meet, which makes the parents extremely sad.
For example, in March this year, a popular family ethics drama "Everything is good" attracted the attention of Chinese people around the world. The traditional concept of valuing men and women is strong, the father who cares about affairs, the filial elder brother, and the second brother who relies on parents has led to the independent and cold young girl. The little girl who was careful and exhausted left her original family early and did not contact her family. She has never been loved since she was a child, nor will she express her love. She only comes out to worship her when her family is in crisis. This drama has successfully shaped the pain points of traditional society and reflects the grievances and forgiveness of many Chinese families.
Because they don't know why their children deliberately estranged, many such parents are in so much pain and seek help from psychological doctors. They try hard to find out what they have lacked as parents in the past. Such cases actually confuses psychological doctors. We don’t know what the relationship between parents and children in the past was? How does a family work? If there are other children in the family, would they have a relationship with their parents? If this one is good, why is the other one so bad? In this way, parents who lost contact with their children felt abandoned by their daughter. But as long as the children go to their parents, they will reconcile with their children again as soon as they are parents. Just like the daughter who finally understands in the drama "Everything is OK", giving up hatred, opening her chest, and keeping a close relationship with her family again.
The wife and wife were in contact with them and were very friendly. Soon, my daughter-in-law found a better job in the state of her mother's home. When the son found out, he had a big argument with his ex-wife. Unexpectedly, his daughter-in-law actually took a pair of daughters and left without complaining. After that, my son flew to other states to visit his daughter every three or five months, but for the old couple, not seeing the daughter was a very heavy blow. The two couples were already good at physically and could handle food, clothing, housing and transportation. Since then, their body and mind have collapsed.
Some roads can only be walked by one person, so the elderly cannot be too serious and infatuated with any female matters. For women, even women, you should not have too much hope, otherwise you will be too obsessed and easily hurt. My daughter-in-law is the wife of her son, not a daughter of her child. She cannot expect her too much by using the rules and requirements of her family; when she is not as good as her own standards, she will be unable to avoid disappointment. Don't tell your son any inner criticism. This will make the son feel difficult. After being stressed, he will want to escape, so his family will be remote and will be counterproductive. The daughter is busy with work and thinks that her parents are doing well and will take care of her. At this time, parents can use special cards or emails to tell their son and daughter-in-law, "The parents miss them very much." How are they going to have a good time recently?
In fact, when a woman grows up, her parents are still influential. Can parents accept the vulnerability of their daughters, accept everything from them, give them enough space to explore their own life path. I believe they have done their best and taken care of, and do not regard their success as their own. Respecting them is uniquely instinct, interest, thoughts and feelings, and is not exactly the same as yours. If you want to be friends with them, learn to start from their stand-up position first, and don’t always think about being a teaching leader.
Can truly accept the concept of "sons, daughters-in-law and wife are one family, and our parents are another family." Establish calm wisdom, cultivate your hobbies from multiple parties, and want to arrange for them when you leave, and leave the wrong attitude of "a woman cannot be without me". As parents let go, it will be more enjoyable to be together for two generations. Parents themselves will also have a richer and more colorful retirement life.
The famous writer Long Yingtai mentioned in her prose book "Watching" (Times Culture 2008) that his own son became independent and remote after he grew up, and his aging father and mother also died of severe illness. She wrote in the article about her feelings about life, "Some roads can only be walked by one person; I slowly and slowly understood that the so-called father, daughter, mother and son mean that your relationship with him is constantly watching his back move far away in this life. You stand at this end of the path, watching him gradually disappear into the place where the path turns, and he silently tells you with his back; there is no need to chase."
Yes, when the child is older, he will naturally fly. Our parents love us so naturally leave. We really don’t have to pursue it. What we need is our wife, old friends and our own interests in life. Everyone, some roads can only be walked by one person.